Recollections of the Past

 

Have you ever sat and looked at an old picture and thought “was that really me”. Why can’t I remember any of it. 

Perhaps it is just me, I think I purposely push many memories of my childhood to some far corner of my mind in fear I may revert back to that same shy little boy I once was.

I have often wondered why some people are so shy while others seem fearless. What is that mental trigger that makes us afraid to talk, smile or even at times, wish to be seen?  Perhaps the entire thing is all based on whether or not we believe others actually want to see us. That damn magic mirror is often not as kind as we would like.

On our first day of Elementary school we are given our stamps of status. Well mine was along the lines of the not so cool kid. I don’t remember any entrance quiz to decide where I should rate or how many friends I would have. 

For as long as I can remember I was hopelessly in love with a little blonde girl that lived down the street. Of course me not passing that long forgotten entrance exam into the cool kids club meant I was too shy and backwards to ever tell her. She would sit beside me on the bus and I wouldn’t say a word. I was lucky if I could talk to myself, speaking to a girl was entirely out of the question.

I often hear people reminisce about their childhood and talk as if they would go back and do it all again. The high school sports and that first time fling. Yeah, well my youth wasn’t like that. I have no memory of some great defining high school moment that pulled me from my Hell. Instead my memories of youth combine and make a recipe for Tourettes. I wanted so badly to be the invisible boy, to somehow hide myself beneath the floor or melt into the wall.

It wasn’t until I stepped away from that small town high school that I found myself, and I realized I could redefine “Me”.  I realized my parents were right, and sometimes kids are just mean.

Our life is all in definition. The trick is realizing that it is our own definition that truly matters.